The following article was written by Chris “Fox” Wallace.  Fox is the epitome of class in the poker world.  When I asked if he would be willing to help me out with a guest article, not to my suprise, he obliged.  You can find many of his highly sought after articles at PocketFives and Poker Pro Magazine.  Fox is the head cash game instructor at PokerXFactor and is also available for hourly poker lessons at foxpoker.com.

For a poker writer there is no greater scoop than to get an honest interview with a real life Donkey. This isn’t a guy who lost a few deposits or just plays for play money, this is the real deal, a chronic depositor, a true calling station, the guy who cracked your pocket kings with his ten-seven suited on Wednesday night. This is it, my one chance at greatness. My Interview with a Donkey.

We met in a bar across from the local card room. I knew who he was of course, we’d played together 40 or 50 times, but he wanted everything to be a secret and I didn’t want to lose my shot at the big interview. He walked in looking around furtively as if someone might be following him and his collar was up high to shield his face. That and the huge wrap around Oakley sunglasses would have hidden his identity if it weren’t for the hat from the Bass Pro Shop and the World Poker Tour sweatshirt that I had seen him wearing at the table an hour earlier.

He walked over and stood next to my barstool, leaning on the bar as if he were going to order a beer, ignoring me completely. I watched him and tried not to laugh out loud when he leaned his head slightly my way and “Pssst! Buddy! You’re buying the beer right?”

“Yeah, get what you want, and let’s get on with the interview” I said. He ordered two Coors Lights as he grabbed a seat, and told the bartender he was on my tab tonight. Sure he was drinking on my tab, but I was spending his $180 from a nut flush versus a ten-high flush about an hour ago, so a few beers wasn’t going to be a problem. He capped it on the river with me, and couldn’t believe it when he lost. That hand was probably the best guarantee I was going to get as to his status as a true donkey.

Below you will find the extent of our interview word for word. Nothing has been omitted or altered. This is the donkey in his own words.

Fox – “Thanks for doing this interview, fishsayswhat?

Donkey – “What?”

Fox – “Nothing, never mind. So when did you start playing poker?”

Donkey – “Oh are we starting already? Umm O.K., let me get another beer first.”

Fox – “Alright, you’re back, so when did you start playing poker?”

Donkey – “About 5 years ago, I saw Moneymaker on T.V. and figured if he can win a big pile of money like that, maybe I can too. I mean I’m as smart as the next guy.”

Fox – “I suppose if the next guy is four hours into a whiskey bender and played football for a few years without a helmet, yeah you are. Just as smart as the next guy.”

Donkey – “What?”

Fox – “Nothing, let’s get back to the interview. How did you learn to play?”

Donkey – “Well, I watched a lot of poker on TV when I first started, and I got couple books too”

At this point Fox interrupts

Fox – “You read a book on poker?”

Donkey – “Yeah I read a couple of em’, but they were mostly crap. I mean who the hell is going to memorize all that stuff anyway? Card odds and pot heads and whatever, ridiculous. Not a word on how to tell if a guy is bluffing. When I got serious about playing for a living I just had to learn to play my own style.”

Fox – “So how did that go for you, the attempt to turn pro.”

Donkey – “It’s going fine man, I play poker for a living now, I love it.”

At this point I spit Coke all over the table and my mouth hung open wide.

Fox – “You play poker for a living?”

Donkey – “Yeah man. I mean I pick up a few shifts at the Pro Shop too, for when I’m experiencing variance you know?”

Fox – “I see, that makes a bit more sense. Can you tell me how much money you made playing poker last year?”

Donkey – “Man I have no idea, maybe thirty thousand or something. This year will probably be better. I don’t really keep track of that stuff, it’s distracting.”

Fox – “So you must be doing pretty well, going to replace that 87’ Sentra with no passenger seat?

Donkey – “Yeah man, I been looking at some cars, just a little short on cash right now.

Fox – “Tell our readers a little bit about your strategy, we’re very interested in the things that influence your decisions.”

Here’s where it gets really good. The mind of a donkey revealed.

Donkey – “Well I play my own game like I said before. I don’t think you can learn to play poker from a book or a website. Kind of like the Karate Kid you know, you just can’t learn it from a book. I try to watch everybody, pick up on their styles and watch the cards, see how they’re running.”

Fox – “So you are watching to see if the cards are turning a certain direction?”

Donkey – “Sure, I know that it all evens out eventually, but that don’t mean it’s gonna break even tonight. And you can use that too, like if there tons of spades falling last night, tonight you aren’t probably going to see very many. Unless it’s a longer trend than just one night. I also notice dealers and how they tend to put certain cards out. Like that one dealer Diana, you know her right?

Fox- “Yeah we dated briefly”

Donkey – “Well then you probably know she always puts 5’s out on the flop. Like way more than any other dealer, it’s just one of her quirks. Those of us that play all the time, we notice stuff like that, kind of like home court advantage over the guys who don’t play often enough to know that or to know how to use that information.”

Fox – “That’s incredible…”

Donkey – “When she’s dealing I’ll reraise with a pair of fives in the hole every time. She may not always bring a five on the flop, but I’ll call to see the turn and river too because I know she puts fives out there all the time. Once in a while I miss, but I hit a set a lot and make money on it.”

Fox – “I’m guessing you haven’t ever kept track of exactly how often she puts a five out there on the flop?”

Donkey – “I know you don’t believe me, that’s fine that’s your style. You’re one of those logical guys, all numbers and good cards preflop, tight as hell. If that works for you that’s fine man, it’s just not the game that works for me.”

Fox – “What other trends do you see at the tables?”

Donkey – “Well there’s all the usual stuff that the old-timers will tell you about, one suit running hot for a few days, certain cards falling a lot at certain tables, and everybody has a few hands that just seem to be lucky for them. Like ten-six of hearts, that hand is always good to me.”

Fox – “You lost a huge pot to me with that hand earlier tonight…”

Donkey – “It can’t always win, that was just bad luck, but you would be surprised how often I win with that hand. Kind of like Doyle Brunson with ten-deuce.”

Fox – “Tell us a little about yourself, what did you do before poker?”

Donkey – “Well I’ve worked at the Bass Pro Shop for about six years, I’m assistant manager now, and I grew up just a few miles from here. I like fast cars, loose women and cold beer buddy! I play poker like an assassin, you can’t never bluff me out, and I’ll arm wrestle anybody in here!”

Fox – “How many beers have you had in the last twenty minutes?”

Donkey – “I dunno man, jus’ a few”

Fox – “How the hell are there beer cans and shot glasses all over the table now? It’s like magic, we do a twenty minute interview and I have a $60 bar tab.”

Donkey – “That’s cause I AM MAGIC my man, I’m gonna go play some cards, I feel lucky! All-in Baby!”

At this point he was already walking out the door. “This room only has fixed-limit games you idiot.” I muttered to myself. Then I paid my tab and headed back over to the card room to try and get a seat at Mr. Lucky’s table. I knew where the biggest fish in the room was, and I knew what he was thinking. I was the one who was feeling lucky tonight.